Cat Jumped Ship

    c-500w-cat-jumped-shipIt was a sad day for me when my cat Amara decided to jump ship. Had she needed to be put down because she was dying a slow painful death like Checkers or simply closed her eyes and stopped breathing like Einstein  it would have been easier to accept. As it was, at 3:30 in the morning she was with us. By six she was gone. Haven’t seen her since.

    The dichotomy between what I know and understand intellectually and feel emotionally is huge. I was ashamed I wanted to grieve for Checkers. Pissed I wanted to grieve for Einstein. With Amara, I’ve giving myself permission to feel my feelings.

    amara-chillin-in-pit_wThe worst part is the not knowing. Not knowing why she chose to leave when she did. Not knowing if she’s okay. Yes, she’s “just a cat.” But we have a history. We shared many firsts:

    *Welcoming the Love of My Life into our lives.
    *Crossing the country.
    *Living on a houseboat.
    *Living on a sailboat.
    *Cruising on a sailboat.

    Amara was a great traveler. She seemed happy and content. She brought a lot of joy. And now she’s gone.

    amara-hidey-hole_01w-yawnThe Love of My Life shared gave me some helpful words of wisdom which have been of such great comfort, I’ve been sharing them liberally.

    *Free will. If I want the right to make my own decisions and choices, I have to grant that to other beings — including Amara.

    *Adventures. Just as the LoML and I went off on our adventure: cross-county, houseboat, sailboat, cruising, Amara has the right to her adventure … whether she’s totally informed on what she’s going to meet or its consequences.

    *If you love someone, you let them go. We don’t own each other. Being together has to be by choice of all parties involved. Anything else is coercion or slavery.

    amara-through-hatch_01wThe last one really resonated. Being in any relationship — be it work, intimate, political, religious, or other — has to be by choice. Yes it sucks when you want and the other doesn’t. Sucks whether you’re talking about a man, woman, cat, dog, or other. Still the fact is coercion and slavery aren’t the answer.

    My hope is Amara will return of her own accord before the weather improves and we’re able to continue on our journey. If not, I hope I can graciously accept she chose to leave while reveling in the memories of the joy and delight she brought.

    amara-in-v-berth_color_w

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    Star H. - September 14, 2016 - 4:28 am

    Such sad news, Tana. Losing a valued companion is truly like a death in the family.
    I’m glad you’ve given yourself permission to feel this loss. Amara was [still is, somewhere?] an amazing kitty and you made a lot of wonderful memories together.

    IR - September 14, 2016 - 8:49 am

    My heart has been aching for you. However, I greatly admire the perspective that you’ve been working with on the issue and am very proud of you for allowing yourself the space to grieve Amara’s absence. Xo

    Tammy - September 14, 2016 - 1:46 pm

    This is my worst nightmare, the not knowing. I’m so very sorry, Tana. Cats have a wonderful way of surviving. Unfortunately, they also have a great way of getting trapped in peoples garages, cabinets, etc. Damn that whole curiosity thing! Do let us all know how you are doing and if Amara returns. Holding my breath. xo

    Dana - September 14, 2016 - 8:44 pm

    Im so sorry Friend. :(

    Tana Bevan - September 14, 2016 - 10:31 pm

    So am I Dana. So am I. Still, there’s hope. *smiles* and *hugs*

    Tana Bevan - September 14, 2016 - 10:36 pm

    Tammy~It’s been a rocky patch. Amara’s been a party to the huge changes of my life, particularly this past year and a half. Will seem so odd if she’s not a part of what comes next. I think we’re here another couple weeks. If she returns, trust me I will be shouting it from the rooftops and announcing it through cyber-space. Fingers crossed!!!!

    Tana Bevan - September 14, 2016 - 10:39 pm

    Working on keeping the faith Battie, working on keeping the faith. As for grieving, it’s not pretty and I’m not graceful (or gracious) with it, but it does help. Ah, but I hope (and pray) she returns. If not, I hope I can truly be strong enough to let her go. xoxoxo

    Tana Bevan - September 14, 2016 - 10:43 pm

    Star~There are many wonderful memories of Amara. Lots of photographs as well. She still has a couple weeks in which to decide she wants to continue on with us. I hope she does.