Conversation with Self

    a.261w face onion head“Check it out Self! Yours truly ‘s been facing the world head on a few years now. (Buzzed hair and all.)”

    “Congrats” you say.

    “While still tackling the clutter, I am cheered (and encouraged) by the amount of headway I’ve made. Am even feeling confident it can be kept down to a dull roar. (On a good day I believe even a whisper of a meow is possible.)

    “Woo-hoo!” you exclaim. “So what’s left?”

    “A whole lota SNOG. (And not the fun, kissing, smooching, British lower-case kind of snogging).”

    a.263w face A-ish“So what’s SNOG?! you ask. (Okay, exclaim exasperated.)

    “SNOG stands for all those “should-a,” “need-to,” “ought-to,” and “gotta”s you’re carrying around.”

    “I’m carrying around?”

    “Fine. You want to play fair. We’ll play fair. You’re not the one dragging them, Self, it’s me. While a lot of people see me as a strong, confident, go-to, woman, truth is there’s a lot more mixed up mush and confusion inside than I’d like.”

    “Still stuck on SNOG.”

    “Okay, I’m exhausted from trying to act on all advice, counsel and suggestions (well-meaning, wise and/or wonderful) I’ve gotten over the years, be it from books, persons, mentors, enlightened souls, internet, or etc. Fact is I started this blog May 19, 2012 in an effort to find my “It.” That wonderful passion which would excite me and make me happy to wake up in the morning. Over two years later and I still don’t have an “it” and while the doodles in the blog are entertaining, the blog (like me) is without direction.”

    “How can you be without direction when you’re heeding the counsel of others?” you ask.

    “Well that’s the thing. You listen to too many voices & you go round, and round, and round in circles. You expend a lot of energy, but you never get any where.”

    “And you have a plan?” you ask.

    “Self, I’ve got a doozy.”

    a.260w face spiky right“You’re going to share?” you ask.

    “Between now and the end of the year I will only maintain current responsibilities and commitments. I will do right by the man I work with, pay all my bills, and do necessary chores. Aside from that, you Self, will take the lead.”

    “Moi?” you ask.

    “Yep. You want to have a video veg. That’s what’ll happen. You want to up and leave for a day or weekend trip, that’s what’ll happen. (Won’t be upping and leaving for a permanent move because of the commitments I’ve made.)”

    “Why now?” you ask.

    “Seems appropriate that as we’re entering into autumn, “fall,” I will symbolically (and perhaps literally) let fall by the wayside all those beepin’ SNOGs I acquired along the way.”

    “Isn’t this a bit narcissistic and selfish?” you ask.

    “Don’t believe it’s narcissistic since I’m keeping commitments to others so they’re not left in a lurch. As for selfish, why is that necessarily a bad thing?”

    “Hey, I’m cool. Just know being selfish has a bad rep” you say.

    “The way I see it, I’m more than willing to carry my load. I’m more than willing to take responsibility for my actions. However, I’m no longer willing to carry the load of others, nor be responsible for their actions. The majority of the SNOGs I’m carrying around don’t belong to me. It’s not my responsibility to carry them any longer.”

    a.262w face swirl nose“How do I fit into this plan of yours?” you ask.

    “You’re going to help me decipher which SNOGs are actually mine and worth keeping. It’ll be fun to see which go the way of my hair and all the stuff that was clutter cleared.”

    “When are you implementing this plan of yours?” you ask.

    “Now. First day of autumn is September 23, so we’re a few days early, and first day of winter is December 21, so we’ll go out a few days. So, while I’m definitely game, the question is Self, are you in?”

    “Yes!”

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    Sheila Bergquist - September 17, 2014 - 12:43 am

    SNOGs…I love it! We all carry them around, don’t we? Good for you for giving yourself permission to let go. Most of us need to simplify our lives and don’t do it, leading to more confusion and unease. We all try to be too much…I’m tired of it too. Hang in there and let us know how it’s going!
    A big hug!

    Kat - September 17, 2014 - 5:52 am

    I agree you should never spread yourself too thin. One of the most important things about helping is choosing how to help, and sometimes you have to let others help you, even if you don’t like it. I’ve let go of connections that aren’t helpful and I’ve become more focused on what makes my soul sing. A big part of self-care is time away from the hubbub of life. It gives me time to think about what matters most to me and to appreciate all I do and have done for others. It’s essential to know your importance and make it clear to others, too. If you don’t take care of yourself, you could be leaving a big hole in their lives. A big part of my happiness is creativity in various forms and I will never give up the things that make me smile. Hopefully, my journey may inspire someone else.

    Tana Bevan - September 17, 2014 - 2:33 pm

    Sheila~Appreciate the words of encouragement and hug. Thank you. *smiles*

    Tana Bevan - September 17, 2014 - 2:39 pm

    Kat~Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to keep yourself from being spread too thin, it happens. Still, it’s better that such occurrences be the exception rather than the rule. I love the visual image of a singing soul. A delightful idea. Thinking is good. However I think (pun intended) that it’s also important to simply “be.” On that score I believe the Eastern thought process is a little more advanced than in the West. Still, it’s good to have the balance. As for creativity, you’re right, it can bring such joy! Thank you for sharing.

    IR - September 19, 2014 - 1:14 pm

    “…help me decipher which SNOGs are actually mine and worth keeping” is truly resonating with me today. Thank you.

    Tana Bevan - September 19, 2014 - 3:31 pm

    IR~To know something I wrote and/or doodled helped another is both an honor and a joy. Thank you for letting me know. xoxoxox

    Shelley Sackier - September 21, 2014 - 11:51 am

    A terrific little dialogue, Tana. And one I believe is worthy of having with one’s self on a regular basis.
    I’m definitely on the same page with you as far as the “parring down,” “sorting out,” and “sifting through” routines. There might be something in the air (or finally tumbling from the closets) that’s lighting the fire within.
    Lovely post, my friend!

    Tana Bevan - September 22, 2014 - 3:10 pm

    Shelley~I remember in the early years of living on my own. Fitting all my belongings into my car and having room to spare. There was even a time I moved my worldly possessions in a motorcycle! (Okay, so it had a sidecar, but there was also a person sitting in that sidecar. lol) It seemed back then I thought the idea was to fill up the space, and once filled, I was to move to a larger space. I’ve since learned that regardless of how much space I have, my natural inclination is to fill it. It takes concerted and focused effort to allow myself “space” within my space. Ah, the life of being a work in progress … it is ever shifting, ever changing.