With so much written about grief (even yours truly had what to say), have you ever wondered what you get from the process?
The crying until you fear you’ll shrivel up and blow away … only to find yourself crying even more.
The hollering, yelling, ranting, and raving. At life. The Deities. What you did. What you didn’t do. What you said. What you didn’t say.
The dark place. That black hole in your mind, heart and soul where the darkness is so complete, so overwhelming, so all-encompassing no light or words of comfort can penetrate.
The perpetual guilt. Why you? Why him? Why her? How can you allow yourself to smile again, to enjoy life again? Wouldn’t that make you a traitor?
The false starts. Those moments you begin edging your way out by tracking a lighter shade of darkness. When feeling — ever so slight or subtle — returns to your battered and wounded psyche. You find yourself hydrating as your crying ceases. You take a few initial steps, wobbling, tentative … only to have the whole process begin all over again when you’re broadsided by a sight, sound, smell, taste, or memory.
Sometimes you’re lucky and the process goes quickly. Sometimes you fight the process, squashing it, thinking if you ignore it, it’ll go away. It doesn’t. The longer you wait, the longer it takes to work its way through.
No matter whether it’s quick or long and drawn-out, the reason you go through this time and time again is because when you’ve truly grieved, when you’ve allowed yourself to truly go through the entire agonizing (and seemingly endless) process, you will reach a point where you hold no grudges. Harbor no resentment. Perhaps deep inside there’s a quiet, still place with just a hint of sadness or sorrow over what might have been. But you also have the peace that comes with accepting that it’s not. And that makes it okay. You are then truly free. Able to move on. Stronger. Wiser. And forever connected to the cycles of life, spirit, and emotion.
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